Henry

Today's a good day to record a little about how Henry came to be.  It seems this pregnancy is one where I find it very hard to remember to be grateful for the little baby coming to my family.  Henry, of all my babies, is one who I knew was coming to our family a long time ago...

Years ago (in 2010), when Norah was about 1, Matt and I started thinking it might be time to begin thinking about having another baby.  It was different than the other times, though, in that I started feeling almost immediately that this WASN'T a good time to be trying for another baby.  I had never had the spirit tell me NOT to get pregnant, but I felt a comforting peace reminding me to be grateful for the four children I already had.

So we stopped trying to get pregnant.

Shortly thereafter, I had another experience with the Spirit.  For a while, I had been saying things like, "Oh, we want another baby, but only if it's a GIRL!" or "I've got all the boys I can handle.  I'll have another one if I can be sure it's a girl".  I didn't really mean it, of course, but I loved girls a lot.  One day, I was cleaning out some old boxes and I came upon a box of tiny baby boy clothes.  They were so cute!  I toyed with the idea of trying to find someone who could use them (I wasn't having anymore boys, after all!)  I felt the strongest feeling, kind of a chastisement, that I should stop thinking like that.  I would have another baby, and that baby would be a BOY.  The feeling was so strong that I felt 100% sure that our next baby was a boy.

Well, a year later we found ourselves pregnant.  I remembered my experience from the year before and was confident my boy was on his way.  Matt and I talked of this being our last baby.  We named him Henry.  Even the kids prayed for him by name in our family prayers.  I was very much resigned to having a boy, even excited.

Until the ultrasound.

I actually made the poor technician re-check about 15 times because I was sure we were having a boy.  Actually, I even took a backup boy outfit to the hospital because I really wasn't convinced by the time Hazel was born.  I always say, "It's impossible to be disappointed by having a girl", and it's true.  I wasn't even slightly disappointed to find out I was having a girl. They're so cute!  Hazel especially!  But there was a sort of feeling of loss.  But what about Henry?

"What about Henry?" became a sort of mantra in our family.  Matt would say something like, "This is our last baby." and the kids or I would say, "But what about Henry?"  or "But what if there's a Henry?"  I knew there was a boy for us.  I just knew it.

Sweet baby Hazel was born and life got busy.  We started homeschooling, moved to another town, and bought into a dental practice all within Hazel's first year of life.  I still thought there was a Henry, but I was not in a place where I was ready to get pregnant.  Matt, for his part, had started to make peace with the fact that we weren't actually done.  He had felt a connection to Henry, too, although not as strongly.  His practical side thought we couldn't pull this off, but his spiritual side thought it was probably right. 

In the end, it didn't really matter what Matt and I were thinking.  We found ourselves expecting without ever trying.  A surprise pregnancy!  The timing has been tough.  Really tough.  But I am convinced that this is what the Lord wanted.  Although Matt and I were both pretty much on board with having another baby, I am sure that I would never have had the nerve to actually start trying.  After living through the last 6 months of pregnancy, I can say without a doubt that I have never been busier or more stressed out or more overwhelmed.  I can't imagine myself ever deciding to get pregnant during this kind of life.  And I can't imagine my life getting easier anytime between now and when I turn 45.  I think a surprise pregnancy was the only way we were getting our Henry.

I admit I was a little scared before the ultrasound.  What if we were having another girl?  What would it mean?  How could we keep having kids just hoping that Henry would eventually show up?  It was a peaceful moment in that ultrasound.  He was a boy!  He is our boy.  Our Henry.  Welcome to the family, little guy.  We've been waiting for you for a while.